Top 10 Things to do at the Mall
10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
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TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
LAWYER JOKES
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
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What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
They grow taller!
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Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
They grow taller!
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Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
BLONDE JOKES
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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